I have to share with my beloved readers and Fan Family that I have been in a state of Paralyzing Pain and Complete Confusion for the past several weeks.  I am Physically Fine.  It is my emotional state that has been in Turmoil.  That is the main reason I have not posted anything here during this EVENTFUL time as a fan of Kim Hyun Joong.  I have started many blog post articles only to abandon those thoughts knowing I was not expressing my true heart.  I have been agonizing with doubt on whether to share something with you that was a very negative and painful experience for me related to being a fan of Kim Hyun Joong.  I had to take some serious time to myself to meditate and pray and decide what my TRUE HEART was trying to tell me and what my TRUE SELF wanted to reveal.  Let me just clarify, the pain of going through this Horrible Scandal with Kim Hyun Joong and his Fans, his Beautiful Henecia, is NOT to what I am referring.  That pain, I have been able to withstand with the help of some beautiful and loving fans whom I call my SISTERS IN LOVE and we have all fallen more deeply in love with Kim Hyun Joong and each other.  

I downloaded Kim Hyun Joong’s live version of ‘Creep’ by Radiohead performed at Budokan 2012 from Youtube again last night.  I had this song on my old phone, and lost it when I changed phones.  I finally found it again and have been playing it on repeat all morning and fighting back tears.  I am not sad.  I am moved.  This song was a popular tune in the United States about 20 years ago.  I liked the song when it was playing on the radio stations here constantly during it’s height.  I did not purchase the song and I did not go to any of their concerts or anything like that.  I liked the song.  That was all.  Now, I LOVE this song!  Not just because Kim Hyun Joong covered it, but because of HOW he covered it.  When I listen to his little introduction before starting the song, I can’t understand a word of what he is saying in Korean.  It doesn’t matter.  Just the gentle sound of his voice, and the inflections he makes when he makes a joke in Japanese and teases the fans makes me feel warm and happy.  I don’t need to understand the words he is saying, because I understand the Emotion he is Evoking.  This happens all before he even sings the first note.

Kim Hyun Joong and his fans are In Love and Inseparable.  That much has become apparent to those who have been silent readers on our blogs, in comment boxes and on social media during the recent crisis of having our Only One accused of the Unthinkable.  Kim Hyun Joong and his fans have faced off against Irresponsible Reporting Practices and Human Insects who Live to Buzz About, Bite, and Suck the Blood of Celebrities and Public Figures who are Preyed upon by those who stand to profit by Sensationalizing Scandals without the slightest regard for finding or reporting the truth.  While the battle raged around us, we were able to maintain our dignity and grace.  And Kim Hyun Joong, our Gentleman Hero, was the most dignified of all in his handling of an extremely hurtful situation.  The way he handled the haters and his ex girlfriend was nothing short of Angelic, and believe me, outsiders took notice.  We were being watched, and we left a great impression.  I am so very proud of Hyun Joong and the fans.  People have noticed something marvelous and miraculous between us and they are curiously craving more.

When I read the news this morning reported in kpopstarz announcing  the continuation of Kim Hyun Joong’s assault case proceeding with a further investigation I became literally sick to my stomach.  The emotional blockage in my esophagus was literally causing me to fight back a gagging sensation and burning, stinging tears threatend to spill from my eyes.  I completely lost my appetite and could not eat lunch.  I could not focus on work as I wanted to investigate further and find out WTF this was  coming from?  It felt like just another knife being plunged into my chest.  How much more painful would it be for Kim Hyun Joong?  I was asking myself, Why can’t they just leave him the F*** ALONE? Well, it’s called greed:  $$$$$.   It’s called sensationalism to get eyes on their headlines and on their ads.  In fact, before I could even read the write up, I was harassed by an auto loading video advertising something that was just annoying me because I wanted to read the story so I could see what the hell was going on.  

As we continue to wait anxiously to hear from KeyEast or Kim Hyun Joong regarding future plans,  we are feeling restless and stressed because we are so invested in our hearts.  As we offer our undying support and fervent prayers on his behalf, we are desperately begging for a positive outcome for Hyun Joong that leads to his ultimate happiness.  I have considered that perhaps we are feeling a bit possessive and selfish regarding his plans and could be a bit like the pot calling the kettle black when we are feeling that his ex’s obsession was too much burden for him.  Now, we are wanting him to do MORE! MORE!  MORE! Professionally, and are worried sick that he may be denied the opportunity to do so.  I am beginning to feel quite selfish and a bit guilty and regretful thinking he may be feeling more pressure because of the knowledge that his fans are afraid of losing him as their Only One.  I understand that we just love him so much, but honestly the fear of losing him as an Public Figure and Entertainer is the beginning of obsession as well, and I am taking a step back to evaluate:  What would be best for Hyun Joong?  I have already stated that I want him to do whatever it is that makes him happy, and whatever that may be is entirely up to Hyun Joong.

As I write this, I am realizing that recent events will not be able to be put to rest and completely forgotten as I wished them to be.  As we watch and wait for what will come next, they are now a part of our experience with Kim Hyun Joong.  Even though the memories are excruciatingly painful, and we are still hurting as we worry about the consequences, they have taught us to appreciate and understand him more deeply than ever.  They have taught us that we are capable of much more than superficial admiration.  We are capable of real forgiveness in the midst of our pain and disappointment.  Yes, I am disappointed that my sweet dear Angel lost his self control.  It has caused so much pain for everyone involved, his ex, her friends and family, and himself and his friends, family, and fans.  I could be seriously angry with him for making the wrong choice in the heat of that moment if I did not have so much love in my heart.  Was it only the ex that ruined everything for him?  Truthfully, no.  If he had kept his head in that situation, she would not have been able to do what she has done.  Technically, we could say it's all his fault to begin with and throw up our hands in disgust and defeat.   He has admitted to doing something a man should never do, and for some, that was reason enough to abandon him and walk away.

Kim Hyun Joong's Official Apology this week was like a huge stone being thrown into the still lake of our hearts.  After spending our strength and emotional energy showing him strong support through this stormy chapter in our lives as Idol and fans, it seemed shocking and abrupt.  However, in his wisdom, he has effectively stopped this whole nightmare cold in it's tracks. He resolved the situation with Honesty and Humility.  I have come to expect this from him after knowing him these years.  Honesty and Humility are his signature moves, and I identify with them well.  I am thankful that it is over, and I am thankful to Kim Hyun Joong for shouldering the whole mess and carrying it away like a 1 TON Gendong full of watermelons on his strong and steady back.  For taking that burden out of our sight, I applaud him as a Hero among Men.  He is truly wonderful and awe inspiring in the way he handles himself in times of personal crisis.  My heart is deeply touched and forever changed by his Brave Example.  Every step he takes draws me deeper into this surreal and beautiful bond I feel with him and my fellow fans, and I will never be the same.  Kim Hyun Joong is a daily inspiration to me and my heart is fused to his like steel upon steel forming the strongest, unbreakable sword.  He can never be cut out.  He will never be forgotten or replaced.  He has fulfilled his own prophecy and become our Only One for Eternity and beyond.

My Inbox, Comment Boxes, Twitter Feed and Facebook are eerily quiet this evening.  Almost everyone seems to have been shocked into a stunned silence over Kim Hyun Joong's decision to come out with a full public apology on his Official Web Page.  In the carefully worded release, he takes full responsibility for his actions, and promises to reflect on his misdeeds.  He did not admit to any lies or misleading statements or validate his ex's previous versions of the Truth.  He simply appealed to the public not to blame his ex-girlfriend and appealed to her to please forgive him for losing his self control and deeply  hurting a person he once trusted and loved.  I have to admit when I first read the entire apology translated to English I felt my heart freeze up.  It literally skipped a few beats.  It was a cold feeling as if dread had seized me physically and I had to fight back the tears because I was at work.  I had a very busy and stressful day at work, and was unable to process any of my feelings until I went to my counseling appointment after work.  Yes, I still see a counselor, and I feel that fact is very relevant to the response I am about to share with you over Kim Hyun Joong's loving decision to relent to his ex-girlfriend, protect her and keep her from the public eye and issue this public apology.  Get ready my brothas and sistas in love!  'cuz I'm about to give a testimony on up in here!'  :)

Today is a Beautiful and Sunny day with moderate Temperatures in the Low 70s.  I am working in my apartment with my windows open enjoying a cool fresh breeze and I am feeling happy and content.  Why am I giving you a weather report and telling you my mood?  Because, I want you to take your emotional temperature.  Gage for me how you are feeling at this moment.  Recent Media Reports have stirred up a hornet's nest in the hearts of Kim Hyun Joong's fans, and the emotional response I am seeing is breaking my heart.  I dearly love my sisters in this group of lovely people who have gathered around the man I have come to think of as my Compass.  Kim Hyun Joong's Beauty, Humility, Strength, Wisdom and Love have made my life so much happier in the past four years.  Part of that Love has extended to so many new friends I have had the privilege of meeting around the world, and I experience true Joy in my heart on a daily basis as I interact and share my heart with them.

A Wing and A Prayer by AngelJoong86

I feel like I'm choking and struggling to breathe
The thick air around me is starting to Seethe 
The sickly sweet stench of Evil fills the air
Suffocating my soul with it's Foul Breathing Stare
Sour Sweat, Stale Beer and Cheap Cigarettes
I'm gasping and struggling and Fighting for breath
Let me OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE
Let me breathe in FRESH AIR
Where the Sun is still Shining
A cool breeze ruffs my hair
The music of leaves rustling softly in trees
Refreshing and Peaceful I'm longing to see
The sweet smile of My LOVE
Let me hear her soft voice
Whispering my name, calling me out of the VOID

I am sick of DECEPTION, LIES and  BARE GREED!
There's a rope at my neck and chains 'round my feet
I struggle and fight, I want to be freed
Yet the Stones weigh me down
And in Hell's murky waters, I'm starting to drown
It seems that I've sunken in over my head
Where is my Hope?  Where is my Help?
Where are my Protectors?  Where are my Knights?
Where is Blind Justice?  Am I Alone in this Fight?

It's OK, My Love, You are Precious to me
It crowds out all 'else and allows you to 'just be.'
All my selfish desires to KNOW and be RIGHT
mean nothing at all as FEAR takes it's bite
Rest here in my arms with our memories of LOVE
Let these sustain you, BREAK OUT, Rise Above
Just Breathe.  It may feel like drowning but breathe deeply my scent
Listen to the warmth of my voice speaking softly in your ears
A gentle caress dries your cheeks stained with tears

Listen....

A rasp of a whisper becomes a soft rolling Hum
Like a Drum in the Distance, Thrrrum, Thrrrum
Draw Strength, Grasp Hope, Grab onto My Hand
Let me pull you back up, lift your chin up and Stand
Tall and Proud, Hold your Head High
We run through blooming fields and over the rise
You can hear them, they're chanting, you can hear their strong cries
Kim Hyun Joong!  Kim Hyun Joong!  They are shouting your name
They are waiting for you to take up your rightful claim
They are gathered far from the North, West, East and South
They are waiting for you,  your heart's Dream to Come True

From Every Tongue of Every Nation they have come to this place
An Aura of Beautiful, Colorful Light shines out from every face
Like Aurora Borealis so Bright in the Sky!  Your Breath is Taken Away!
Take up your Instrument and feel the sudden hush
The anticipated pause gives your Adrenaline a rush
It is YOUR DREAM, all your FANS and a Stage of Only One
No Ticket sales or Profits or Public Persona to sell
Just You and Your Bride, no Beauty to Hide
Sing out the first note and the tears will flow down
Our hearts swell and explode with the warmth of the Sound
Just Sing out your Heart and give us your Best
And with the Last Note, you can Finally  Take Rest
We'll catch you and hold you and gently fall down
And sleep with the Peace of a True Love that's Found
Rest in Your Soul and gather Your Strength
From the Ashes of Fire a Phoenix is born
Rise up on Strong Wings and Soar Ever High
Leaving Sorrow Behind as we sing "Fly, Angel, Fly!"

For My Angel, My ONLY ONE

Inspired With All My Love,

Angie Noonim