[ARTICLE]Kim Hyun Joong: Watching and Waiting to Find Your Way Home

Center.  Clarity.  Peace.  Serenity.  Reflection.  Focus and Future.  After the Devastating Storm, Kim Hyun Joong can Take a Well Earned Rest and Find His Way Home

Kim Hyun Joong's Official Apology this week was like a huge stone being thrown into the still lake of our hearts.  After spending our strength and emotional energy showing him strong support through this stormy chapter in our lives as Idol and fans, it seemed shocking and abrupt.  However, in his wisdom, he has effectively stopped this whole nightmare cold in it's tracks. He resolved the situation with Honesty and Humility.  I have come to expect this from him after knowing him these years.  Honesty and Humility are his signature moves, and I identify with them well.  I am thankful that it is over, and I am thankful to Kim Hyun Joong for shouldering the whole mess and carrying it away like a 1 TON Gendong full of watermelons on his strong and steady back.  For taking that burden out of our sight, I applaud him as a Hero among Men.  He is truly wonderful and awe inspiring in the way he handles himself in times of personal crisis.  My heart is deeply touched and forever changed by his Brave Example.  Every step he takes draws me deeper into this surreal and beautiful bond I feel with him and my fellow fans, and I will never be the same.  Kim Hyun Joong is a daily inspiration to me and my heart is fused to his like steel upon steel forming the strongest, unbreakable sword.  He can never be cut out.  He will never be forgotten or replaced.  He has fulfilled his own prophecy and become our Only One for Eternity and beyond.

Now that the  news has come out that his ex-girlfriend has decided to drop the Assault Charges she filed against him, we are breathing a sigh of relief and it is finally over and complete.  Her pain must have been heavy and great for her to take the measures she chose and pull him down from the heights of success as she has done.  Not only that, she has broken his spirit.  It shows in his aura.  It is not shining as brightly.  The wounds he is carrying are obvious.  He worked long and hard, selflessly sacrificing so much to make it to the top and live the life for which he hoped and dreamed.  Her choices damaged his hard earned accomplishments, and I truly hope she can now heal and move on.  Honestly, I am not ashamed to say that I hope I never hear another word from or about her ever again.  I am biased and care only about Hyun Joong's well being as he moves forward with his own life.  No matter how I try to take the high road and love her through this, I am far more concerned about his pain than hers.  It can't be helped.  I hope that Hyun Joong has learned well and will not allow this type of person to come into his life in the future.  It is truly heartbreaking, devastating, and astonishing that she felt the need to take such great measures to satisfy her broken heart.  I am going to come a little clean here and admit that I have been angry and resentful toward her, even though Hyun Joong begged us not to be.  I am sorry, Hyun Joong!  I can't help it!  I am so sad and I feel sick over the whole thing.

I hope he can forgive me for being a bit selfish and human too.  She has stolen something Precious from us.  I forgive her, because I know she deserves love and forgiveness just like everyone else, and I know she did it out of her pain.  However, she hurt Kim Hyun Joong so much, and he is the one I Truly Love.  She hurt him, she Publicly Shamed him, and she robbed him of his Livelihood.  I am not talking about his ability to earn a paycheck here.  I am talking about his love and passion for his art, and his tenderness toward his fans.  He may have wronged her, but she did not have the right to take everything away from him the way she has.  I am sorry, Hyun Joong, I am trying so hard, but I am just so broken over this. Mostly because your heart has been broken, but I am feeling a little selfish too.  It was your choice to leave, and she punished you well beyond what was fair or just.  I can't keep silent about that anymore.  I have not abandoned my intent to treat her with dignity and to respect your wishes as I represent you.  I hope you can forgive me for breaking at this point and just expressing my pain.  I am in pain because you are in pain, and I am going to miss you so much.  We had precious little time left before your enlistment, and it has been taken from us.  That is just the way I feel.  It feels good to get it off my chest.

As the last concert for the Phantasm World Tour performed in Nagoya came to a close and Kim Hyun Joong boarded his last plane back to Korea, fans are in a state of anticipation and nervous fear about what will happen next.  We know Hyun Joong has to serve his Military Duty.  We also know he has stated he will take some time away from the stage to reflect.  What we Don’t Know is what he or KeyEast plans to do next.  Will they continue to support him and manage his career?  Will Hyun Joong be on his own after this?  Will we be able to look forward to more from him in the near future?  Will he decide NOT to delay his military service and enlist in October as he was originally summoned?  What will he do when he gets out in 2 years time?  As human beings, we have an inherent fear of the unknown.   These questions plague me like pestering gnats buzzing around in my brain.  I am filled with a sense of dread and worry.  I feel like I am on the verge of tears any minute as I struggle to focus on my work tasks.  Life without Kim Hyun Joong for me is UNTHINKABLE.  I’m truly in the grip of fear as the thought that it COULD happen stubbornly occupies my mind.  As these confusing questions swirl around my conscious thought, I have had to stop myself several times and reassure myself that this is Kim Hyun Joong we are talking about.  He loves what he does.  He will not abandon his calling.  How he will be presented to us in the future may be unknown, but I fully trust him and I am leaving it up to him.

As we all know, Hyun Joong has been through a harrowing ordeal these past weeks.  We have experienced the emotions with him; however we cannot fathom the depths of what he has been experiencing.  It has taken a serious toll, and as I watched the pictures and videos on my Twitter feed from the last concert at Nagoya, I could see the exhaustion in his face, hear it in his voice, and felt myself cringe and cried as his smiles were only half smiles and not the bright smile we are so longing to see.  What I want to say to him is, “Hyun Joong-ah, it’s ok to be NOT OK.”  I want him to know that he can take the break and rest he needs and not have to worry about ME as his fan.  This is not about me; it’s about what’s best for HIM.  If he is ready to step back and breathe for a while, I want him to do whatever he needs to do to process, heal, and renew his spirit.  I will be patiently waiting for him no matter how long it takes.  And, if he decides he has had his day in the sun, and wants to pursue something other than being in the Public Eye, he does not need to worry about what I want.  I am just a fan.  I have no bearing on the personal decisions he needs to make.  I know Hyun Joong deeply cares about his fans.  But, this time, I want him to care about and take care of himself, regardless of what we want.  I love him that much.  I love him enough to let him go if he needs to go.  I love him enough to just let him be.

I scoured the Nagoya Airport Pictures to find a Smiling Hyun Joong.  This was the only thing even Close.  Oh my Precious, Weary One.  I love you so much and Your Pain is My Pain.  My Heart is Heavy, But I have Hope for Your Future!  We will see that Smile of a Thousand Suns Again!

The possibility of this being all we are privileged to share with Kim Hyun Joong as an Entertainer and Public Persona is very real and upsetting.  However, I do not believe Kim Hyun Joong will let that happen.  Performing is in his blood, and he loves it too much.  We may not be able to see him in the prolific manner we have been able to enjoy for the past ten years, but he will not abandon us to long for him for eternity.  Being without him even for the two years of Military Service was already breaking my heart.  My emotions are very heavy at this time with the dread of the UNKNOWN.  But, I am trusting him to do what is best for him.  I personally believe he will decide to continue in some capacity after the 2 year enlistment.  He loves his Art too much to abandon it, and his fans have become very dear to his heart.  He will crave interaction with us as we crave to see him.  How will we spend this time while missing him?  Well, I have plans to start over with watching Boys over Flowers and reliving my journey with him in order to keep him close to my heart.  I will be blogging as I go, reliving those experiences as a fan who has grown with him and now enjoys a deeper connection.  I will reminisce about my first feelings, and enjoy each piece of work in a new light as a veteran fan who has grown in loyalty and love.  I know those experiences will be deeper and richer the fourth or fifth time around.  I have already done this a couple of times now in the past 4 years.  It is my hope the fans can join me and we can discuss our love for him as we re-watch his dramas, listen to his albums, and watch his reality shows, interviews, and live concert footage again and again keeping us company until we may see him again. 

I will be starting with Boys over Flowers this weekend.  I will post my thoughts and memories and commentary on the episodes as I go.  I will probably watch through in a marathon style as many as possible each day around my schedule.  If you want to go along with me,  I will be blogging as I go and sharing my thoughts and feelings on the spot as I now have a laptop computer and I am in heaven!  I can pause the video, and write what I am feeling, share my laugh out loud moment or my tears for the Nth time as I cry EVERY time I watch it!  Let’s keep him alive in our hearts as we wait for the next adventure.  If you find clips or videos or anything fun, funny, heartwarming or interesting, email or twitter me.  The icons are at the top of this page to the right side under AngelJoong@.  I will feature those in my blog as well so we can have fun together loving on him.  I am going to start each post with a section called Top Moments where I will post pictures or video clips and share my favorite memories as I have been privileged to see so many Priceless Gems in the catalog of Hyun Joong's work over the past ten years.  Please, feel free to make suggestions.  After that, I will talk about the treasures I am enjoying that week, or month, or however long it takes to finish a series.  I am going to share them in sequence as I experienced them as a fan, so they will not be in any chronological order.  The following is a beginning, but not inclusive by far.  I will be triggered by more memories as I progress, and the order may vary a bit:

Boys over Flowers
We Got Married
Thank You for Waking Me Up
Playful Kiss
Old SS501 Reality Shows and Interviews
Fan Meets and the beginning of Hi-5 Sessions
Charitable Donations and Acts
Breakdown, Lucky Guy
Awards, Awards, Awards
City Conquest
Unlimited
Round 3
Unbreakable
Record Breaking and More Awards
Inspiring Generation
Phantasm World Tour
The MIRACLE of LOVE through Adversity
The Future with Kim Hyun Joong

In conclusion, I just want to say:  Kim Hyun Joong, You are Precious and Irreplaceable to us; However, PLEASE do not feel burdened for us, the fans, as you face your future.  This is a Crossroads and a Turning Point.  The decisions you are about to make are only for you.  Feel free to consider only your needs and no one else's.  Be just a little bit selfish and take the best care of yourself as you possibly can.  Spend this time resting and centering.  Focus on what is the most important thing for YOU as you set goals for your future.  If making your way back to us is truly your heart's desire, we will be here waiting for you, and you have proven that you have what it takes to achieve that goal.  As many times as people have tried to knock you down, you have always risen twice as high.  Conversely, if you realize it's been enough for you now, and you want to disappear into a normal life, the life of Kiyakaka, where there is no more Kim Hyun Joong, we will love and respect your decision on that as well.  Just know, you have done so much for so many.  You have blessed so many hearts and changed so many lives.  You have brought happiness and light into the darkest of places.  You have run a good race, and you have achieved more than money, fame, or popularity.  You have achieved what most never achieve in there lives:  TRUE LOVE, a deeply connected heart to heart LOVE with people all over this Planet.  YOU REALLY ARE UNIQUELY AND COMPLETELY LOVED.  It is my prayer that you find a person in the future who can be your Closest and Most Dedicated Fan.  A woman who is as good and kind and loving and beautiful as you are.  Someone who is Perfectly Flawed and Brave as you are.  Someone who UNDERSTANDS your heart and is secure in herself.  A woman who values herself and can value you as much as you deserve.  A woman who can share you with the World and still know she is YOUR Only One.  She exists.  I know she does somewhere.  Believe in yourself, and don't be afraid to believe in others.  It is a risk worth taking.


I will be forever sending my Love to Reach out and Comfort you through Cyber Space! Please find Security and Peace in your heart.  You will always be my ONLY ONE, Kim Hyun Joong!

Angie Noonim

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